I’m not the girl your mother warns you about

I’m not the girl your mother warns you about.

I won’t kiss your best friend or break your heart.

I won’t make you choose between doing what makes you happy and spend time with me.

I’m not cold. I’m not reckless.

I’m the girl your father compare to your mother when she was younger.

I’m the girl that gets away.


I will love you more than anyone knows how to.

I will kiss you when your demons overwhelmed your senses.

I will stand by your side until you decide otherwise.

Boy you’re a lot like your father — and so I believe you will leave.

Not realizing you were too young to know what love is.

You’ll let me go and I won’t look back —  but you will.

I promise you, you will.

Because I’m that girl who will cross your mind the day you're contemplating about putting a ring on her once you're older.

If love turns lonely. let it go.

How much pain do you have to tolerate until it is okay to give up?

They said the one who leave first in a relationship, is the cruel one without knowing the one who got left behind was too toxic to be kept around.

let the hardest part, be the moment you walk away and find someone easier to love.




Whether it's you or him, people tend to ask who leaves first.

And they swallow the deeper questions of what makes that person leave.

For those who are holding on to the last shred of hope — maybe it's time for you to question your tears and worth.

It's time someone tells your that —

It is okay to give up.

You are allowed to leave.

Some people does not deserve an explanation as to why you choose to do what you did.

There was a time that human made you happier than you were before his existence. Take a second to look at your faded smile in the mirror and ask — would it be fair for your future self to hold on to that limited level of happiness out of appreciation

when right now at the present — the same person kills the soul out of your eyes.

When being besides him makes you mind wonder if he's actually there.

If love turns lonely. let it go.

a compatible soul who fits yours just right

"The devil is not a tiny red man with evil laugh. He could have a lulling voice that reminds you of the ocean, a warm hug that makes you question — if going to hell is worth it if it means you get to hold his hands all the way down and dear, the beautiful devil can even shade tears when he needs it"

Being an emotional creature, females usually tend to classify souls with dicks to be a devil when some of them can be an angel in disguise.

There would be a soul out there who will fit yours that it makes you fail to recall, how was life before you found them. There are also cases where you mistakenly categories your soul mate as that one friend who stays in friend-zone forever — just so it won't end.

You thought you have time to come back and pay attention to the details so why not enjoy life with chasing the fuckboys with baggy hoodies and "do me" cap.

Chase the boys who scream danger so we can say "they are all the same" when he messes up your life — just like the labels that you read on them before you said hey.

You will stumble upon someone that you won't categories him as only a guy — but rather a compatible soul who fits yours just right.

Turns out The Ice Queen was a little warmer than she liked to make out to be

She was an urban legend. Small smirks would be thrown in your direction if you were to ask about her in a locker room or a girls bathroom. Someone people told their younger siblings about when they wanted to brag about how dope being a teenager was. The details would always change but the ending stays the same. "That girl has a serious daddy issue". With a giggle they added "She never cares". According to people that was the root to all of her problems. She cared about nothing and no one - even herself. Some called her "The Ice Queen" for she never smiles nor spared second glances to people as if they were merely peasants. 

No one knows the real story or perhaps - no one dares to ask. Not until the new boy moved in town. The curious boy made a fatal mistake when he asked the Ice Queen's name to the girls who were telling the juniors about her. "Maria" they said - almost whispering as if it was a secret one shall never ask. 

"Ask me". He got chills right up to his bones when he heard that command. It was comical how the girls immediately scrambled and left the hallway empty in a second. He turned around and what he saw almost gave him heart attack. Because there - in front of him stood a magnificent beauty. She had long auburn hair braided in pale blue ribbons and eyes bluer than the ocean. It was almost magical if it wasn't for the missing sparks. It took everything in him to look into her eyes for he feared he would be lost in it. He made an audible sound when he cleared his throat before he asked the forbidden question - "Who destroyed your soul?"

She tilted her head curiously and gave him a genuine smile. He was stunned - turns out the Ice Queen was a little warmer than she liked to make out to be. Minutes passed until she finally spoke. "My father used his last breath to tell me that I was a sad excuse of a daughter. That day, I had more blood in my hands than tears in my eyes". With a smirk she left him stunned and walked away.

a letter for a stranger at the library

 

To the boy at the table near the back of the library ― 

I almost asked you what was wrong the first time i saw you frowned so hard that your eyebrows creased, and a minute after; your eyes goes wide out of shock and you blinked a few times before letting out a long sigh. The glistering in your eyes didn't go unnoticed as you tried to blink back the tears ― It was then when i saw you folded a page on the book that you were reading, and i realized all those reactions that you unconsciously made were because of it. To say that i was "Interested" was an understatement because i could literally felt how my eyes, mind and attention slowly being drowned by your soundless attraction ― I had never read anything that made me so engross to the point of i shut off the real world.

Curiosity got the best of me and I found myself searching for the book that you read, and guess what? ―  I let out a deep sigh too, i even shed tears on the page that you folded. ― That was how it started. Every time i go to the library, you almost always there, usually with a completely new book. Sometimes you grinned so hard that your dimples pop out, sometimes you clenched you jaw out of anger and there are times when you were almost thrown out by the librarian on duty because you would semi–yelled at the character of the book. Spending so much time in the library you should remember that one of the library rules is to be quiet. I remember the first time i heard your voice was when you shouted "are you kidding me, why did he die?!" because the author decided to kill your favorite character and when you finally finished the book ―  I would grab it and spend three days straight reading the book. if only you noticed how my name would always come next to you on the book borrowing list.

 

That was it, really ― until i realized how gorgeous you are. you're not attractive in normal kind of way, but when you smile, it lights up your face in the best kind of way.

I wish you'd notice me, sitting a few tables away from you, reading the book you were reading a few days ago. i wish you'd smile at me. I don't have the guts to talk to you. I'm afraid you won't be anything at all like I imagine.

One of these days, I will work up the courage and I will ask you about the book you're reading. And maybe you will give me that gorgeous smile of yours and tell me all about it, and then we will talk about all the books we have read and compare our favorite book. I will convince you to read the book that left the biggest impact on me. But until then, thank you for the book recommendations. I love them.

― Love, the girl a few tables away from yours

If staying feels a lot like sacrificing wouldn't letting go means you saved yourself?

Letting go. 

 

To let go — requires you to accumulate an overwhelming amount of strength. It is not easy nor painless but most of the times we are thrown in the situation where we have to let go to save what's left of ourselves. The rule of hello would be followed by goodbyes. Feelings fade and here is the bitter truth — you will never able to forget the person you love, you simply will find another human to love more.

No amount of love and sacrifices could alter fate. If the love is wrong — you have to let go. Some people chose to stay for they mistook toxic vibes with proving their loyalty. Baby, if staying feels a lot like sacrificing — wouldn't letting go means you saved yourself?

I remember when I just learned how to read subtitles and mama sheds tears from watching Titanic . out of pure curiosity I asked her “why do we have to let go of someone that we love?” She gave me a small smile and said; “This world is ugly my dear, and most of the time something as pure as love does not stand a chance against it.” 

I hate to grow up and learn my lesson in love — only to be given the same exact advise 15 years later. I gave it some thought and mama was right. Love alone will never be enough of a reason to be loyal to the wrong soul. You are bound to meet your soulmate somewhere out there and delaying leaving would only make you miss a lot of opportunities to fine the one.

Do you know how can i tell when you are sad?

"Do you know how can i tell when you are sad?"

It is devastating how you really thought you got the sadness swept under the rug 

but from the eye of the person who loves you — it shows.

You joke more than usual so the people around you will laugh loud enough to cover your silence and you smile constantly especially when someone look you straight in the eyes as if the director in your head keep on reminding you of your queue to do so. The giggle and glow in your chuckle would be camouflage with one tone laugh.

My dear your laugh sounds like home and it warms out the stress out of people around you and I had always been amazed on how contiguous your chuckle is. It is the kind of laugh that make your eyes squeezed shut and you will eventually be out of breath. 

but when you are sad, your laugh would washed out faster than it usually last.

The truth lays in your eyes when it stays open and not a trace of humor were in it. If one cares to listen carefully — your laugh sounds a lot like a cry for help when you're sad.

On the days that you are sad — you tend to ask people twice for each "i'm fine" they replied and that stare you gave them when you silently remind them you would be there if they need someone. This habit of yours came from that deep sadness you brushed off and most people believe you are strong enough not to lie about being okay.

You would make sure to feed the people around that seem like having a bad day with little sweet stuff like candies since you know eating something heavy would makes you throw up right after you shove foods down your throat. Being a girl it would be believable for people to accept when you gave diet as an excuse not to eat.

 

The dark circles under your eyes and the hollowness inside it are solid proof that your body couldn't disguise your sadness even with layers of concealer.

Baby did you wait until the sun comes up to keep the nightmares away again?

If one listens careful enough — they will hear the occasional deep sigh you took that sound as sorrow as your cry.

You're a social butterfly who make everyone around you think they are so close to you and there you are — floating soul looking from the outside — separated with a thin invisible wall that plays as your defense.

That my dear, is how I can tell when you are sad. Surprise — are you not? To know someone cares enough to be able to observe your defense mechanism that you put on each time you're sad.

And so she became the girl who leaves

"You get bored easily",

That's what they said.

To them — I moved on as easy as choosing the dress to wear the next day. I hang up without bothering to wait for the person on the other line to say goodbye. I hit them with "you crossed my mind" text and stopped replying for 3-5 business days.

To them — I treat guys like they are flavor of the week.

To them — I am the girl who leaves.

It's funny how they never take a moment to give it a thought that perhaps  — I was the girl who stayed.

I was the girl who stayed through rocky path, swallowed the lies people forced me to believe and constantly check my phone for the text that never came. I was the girl who stayed when she had every reason to walk away.

The day I decided to become the girl who leaves — was a bit blurry due to the tears and sleepless nights. Nevertheless the extreme pain that I felt that day was the closest thing I ever felt to being human. Ever since then — a huge apart of me died before someone even get the chance to bury my body in the soil.

And so I became the girl who treats heart carelessly despite how fragile it could break with my action and words. I became the girl who dismiss people who took interest of me more than the safe line I asked them to follow. I close the opportunity for a feeling to bloom as if it is taboo for them to cross the wall and reach for my heart.

I wasn't always that kind of girl tho.

I used to be the girl who granted second chances for the mistake toxic people never willing to apologies for. I used to be the girl who believes in each "I'm sorry" not realizing it's a green card for them to hurt me again. I used to be the girl who bared her soul to the world without any walls around her just so she won't feel lonely despite hurting. I used to be that naive girl who put her heart on her sleeves for an "almost". I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and a narrator would say "she then lives happily ever after."

I guess the naive girl had enough and so she killed her old self only to be reborn without a heart.

It might not be what I want — but I know myself enough to realize that I need this phase to heal from my demons. To throw away the key for the Pandora box so no one would be able to open it just to toss it away. The wall that I built as a defend mechanism eventually became too thick for anyone to penetrate and so I became the girl who leaves before I'm left.


Update on 26-July-2019 : 

The girl who slays my demons told me out of genuine concern "You did well protecting yourself to heal. Isn't it time to let these walls down tho?"

Snap out of you trance

 

 

Snap out of you trance, and be more attentive to the nights that she needs you more than she lead you to believe. Send that morning text to remind her she's the first in your mind when you're still dazed and confused waking up from seeing her in your dream and that good night reminder that at the end of the day her name still cross your subconscious.

Let her head knows how much you love her. Often she forgot that you do, despite deep in her heart she knows that you've mentioned it a bundle of times with your action.

She doesn't come with a price tag but there are certain costs you need to pay to keep her happy which involves your time, attention and even vulnerability. Bare your demons to her and if she is the right girl — she would be able to calm your demons down rather than run away out of fear.

You chose her for a reason and don't let it slip your mind that the same reason might be the motivation for another guy to snatch her away from you.

 

No ending to begin again.

 Anxiety fills my lung when I even as much as think about — "begin again"

I always set no relationship expectation with the guys that I'm talking to and in fact I made it clear to them that being someone's scared me enough to actually ghost on them.

To have no label with someone will make my self free from being owned. There will be no rules and law about being "the girl that he talks to — even when he wants more". As free as it sounds, loneliness tend to creep in at night especially on the days that you need human connection the most.

Perhaps the fact that there could be no sin to be applied to a bond with no label. Going for dinner with another person would not be considered as cheating and there would never be an ending since there was no beginning.

The innocent butterflies in your tummy when they walk over and the small little things would always be appreciate as the effort was poured even without a valid label for one of them to do so.

But what happens when love comes in the story?

Such a beautiful word comes with heavy consequences.

and so my immature fucked up mind tend to fall for someone that I know beforehand won't love me back. That tricks works wonder and let me survived my teenage years without being serious in a relationship that won't last anyway.

I forgot how it feels to be so in love with a soul that you became greedy with their time and attention to the point of obsession.

But do i want to put myself through that again?

selfishly blinded to be distracted from him.

There will be a soul that you will always devote your love to — even after the feeling has long gone.

Take your mind off that name who pops up in your head the moment you read above line.

You will start to be conscious of all the loves that you had been unconsciously blocked from absorbing.

Stare at your parent's features a little longer. Stare until you doubt yourself if the number of grey hairs  on your mother hair increased — and if it is another wrinkle on your father's forehead.

They are growing older too, don't they? 

When you stop gazing at your screen hoping he would reply to the twenty text messages you had sent prior — just in case he missed the call while showering. You would start noticing the unread text received from your old friends who spare a minute in their busy schedule just to check up on you.

You would only need to send 'hey' and you'll get a reply within seconds from the people who waits for your call.

When his name naturally feels bitter rolling off your tongue and you stopped mentioning the memories — you would realize there are plenty of tea ready to be spilled in your empty cups as your world didn't stop spinning when he left after all.

You will be able to appreciate the glow of the moon without remembering how he once promised to love you from earth to the moon and back.

You will be able to dance under the rain without having tears rolling down your cheek — as the memory of him walking away on that one rainy day, burns your lung.

Breath baby — inhale the love and exhale the pain.


Take a second to remember when was the last time you heard your best friend laughed?
Is everything okay at home?

Were the bruises really come from falling the stairs?

Notice how she tends to wear long sleeves to hide her arms and calls it fashion instead.

That nice guy who you had been stringing along knowing he adores you like a goddess.

Notice how he got rid of his habit of putting his phone on silent at night — just in case you need someone to talk to and his name cross your mind.

Notice how often he asked about your day and if you are feeling alright — notice the genuine care in his voice.

Maybe deep inside you are aware of all of this but you are selfishly blinded to be distracted from him.

entangled path, expiration date.

Every soul you met had entangled their fate with another soul before you exist in their path. The person that will marry you, probably had plans and put lots of efforts to give a ring to another woman prior to stumbled upon you.

It is one of the hardest thing to accept the fact that some other girl out there had heard the words and action said and done to you by him.

but one fact remains and that is no one is almighty enough to revisit the past hence it stays in memories. You are in his future and that should be more than enough reason for you to give him the best of you.

How different would we treat people if they come with expiration date? 

would the dateline make we savor every minute of being with that person?

To fear the aftermath — is what makes me human.

 

"choose, or loose both" they said.

For all they care, it was about me being greedy for wanting the benefit of both options. Little did they failed to dig deeper, is the terrifying consequence I had to face upon choosing.

What a privilege it is to have freedom to choose. That only goes for those who are not afraid to voice out their decision and bare the outcome.

To fear the aftermath — is what makes me human.

There will be a phase right after a tornado break-up, you will feel the peace in being single and the universe having sick sense oh humor and all will cross your path with a kind soul whom would love you for the rest of their life — only that you don't allow him to.

At some point of your life the karma would then ask cupid to entangle your love to the one who can't love you back — for punishment of not giving the chance, to the one who does.

The guy that I left when I was 18 had it enough of me — running away and so he tricked me with clarifying what I want rather than making me choose.

It ended up becoming my habit. I clarify so I don't have to choose.

I remember he crooked his eyebrows out of pain and there's a slight vibration in his tone to control the fear of giving me the ultimatum.

"Flip the coin. If it's head — give me a chance to cross the friendship line and if it's tail — I'll walk away."

For a split second when the coin was in the air and I was too focus on hoping what the outcome would be to listen to my inner voices — I realized I got my answer.

His lack of existence was not enough for me to release my other options that wanted to stay regardless knowing they are only one of my choices.

It was immature and rude of me to have that crossed my mind but I was young, barely healing and it's a big step for me to actually know what I want even if it kills another soul.

  

transition from happy to sad

Have you ever wake up, live your life and breath like it's just another Tuesday. You thought today is the day that you can finally breath without having to remind your brain like it's a chore. It's one of those days that feels like you're in a trance — neither in a good nor bad way

until you heard those statements that stopped your breath — and you tried so hard to inhale the bile that came up to your throat to keep the tears away.

It sucks, doesn't it?

When a line of words can stop your laughter, rain on your moment of warmth — and people wonder why you tend to be cold most of the times.

If you take a second to observe, you will notice how all of your senses would be numb for a solid 10 seconds to transit the happy emotions and turn it to sad.

The emptiness that follows a few seconds after.

you can hear the whisper of others to express sympathy but it quickly replaced by the inner voices instead.

It makes you question if the universe secretly hates you for spilling hints that you're supposed to be sad right when you're actually okay.

There come a phase where the tears won't follow the emptiness and it stays/

an intense feeling that was not enough to call love

 

The broken heart-ed girls that I came to know will always try their hardest to forget the one that got away. As hard as it sounds, they will camouflage the scars of promises that never get the chance to come true.


Not me tho.

I mean, why would I forget my first boyfriend who brings nothing but joy and introduced me to mixed feelings called love.

In all honesty I doubt it could be called love for I was barely 14 years old back then. Despite that, our feelings were strong enough to make the whole school went chaos especially the teacher's lounge.

 

I never felt the need to forget this lovely boy who started off as my brother's best friend. His existence is well known throughout the whole school especially among the junior girls. The captain of sports team and the head of prefect who broke the rule just for me — the invisible sister of his best friend who is a few years younger than him.

The boy whom I would proudly tell my future daughter how much he studied day and night to get a good result for proving the whole school wrong about me dragging him down.

And if we ever stumble upon each other twenty years from now sending off our kids to preschool — I could invite him for a coffee to catch up and let him know I'm proud of his achievements throughout our conversation.

The boy who promised to name his daughter after me if we don't work out (which we didn't)

and the boy who left without hurting me even an ounce.

-


-


-

I could vividly imagine this one scene in my mind

-


-


-

Where one day I got married to a charming soul and we gonna exchange stories of the failed feelings that was so intense — we ended up mistook it for love. The journey of discovering love in the amidst of adulting.

With a laugh I would whisper to him "I will not appreciate your soul as much now, if I never learn what the wrong loves were — and for that I am forever grateful for the mistakes."

That is the type of conversation you could have with your soulmate, without worrying it would scar your future,





 -




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And when it is time for me to teach my kids what love is I would skip the hurtful in between and only mention the first kind love that I received only to apply that to my last love — which I genuinely hope with all my heart, it would be their father.

I would tell my little angels —  there are certain feelings that are so intense you would mistook it for love, and there will be people that are able to transmit extreme pain to your heart that makes you question if the only way it could have hurt this much is because the amount of love is too great.

Dear God I swear I would make bed time stories out of my love lesson so they will never confuse love with those toxic mindset as I did whilst growing up.

Even the feeling back when I was 14 years old was not enough to call love —  It was by far the purest feeling I had for a boy and the realest love that I had ever received from a sixteen years old boy.

end.


update on 11-July-2019 : I found out that he's married, to the next girl he found right after I left.

will you be my penguin?

 

I remember the blazing sun from Langkawi Island a few months ago when I went for a little family trip.

The underwater world was calming, and put me in a trance — a good kind. that's when I met a tribe of penguin. I kept on gazing at the penguins for some reason as the smallest of all swam and hug their mothers. Not knowing the world that they are living in — is actually a human created prison.

The tour guide tapped on my shoulder and took me back to reality with this one sentence :

"Penguin can identify their soulmates, and they will stay loyal to their true love until their last breath — even being far apart because that is the only love that they know and found during their short span of life."

 

"and that is why their loyalty is the saddest thing in the word for they will not find another even if their soulmate died"


I remember being so innocent in love that I thought to myself :

"How lucky are penguins. I hope I'll find someone someday who might find me in the sea of humans and will love me alone, despite having 7 copycats in the world"

What I failed to realize back then was, how misfortune the one who got left behind with lifelong loyalty for the only love they came to know.