And so she became the girl who leaves

"You get bored easily",

That's what they said.

To them — I moved on as easy as choosing the dress to wear the next day. I hang up without bothering to wait for the person on the other line to say goodbye. I hit them with "you crossed my mind" text and stopped replying for 3-5 business days.

To them — I treat guys like they are flavor of the week.

To them — I am the girl who leaves.

It's funny how they never take a moment to give it a thought that perhaps  — I was the girl who stayed.

I was the girl who stayed through rocky path, swallowed the lies people forced me to believe and constantly check my phone for the text that never came. I was the girl who stayed when she had every reason to walk away.

The day I decided to become the girl who leaves — was a bit blurry due to the tears and sleepless nights. Nevertheless the extreme pain that I felt that day was the closest thing I ever felt to being human. Ever since then — a huge apart of me died before someone even get the chance to bury my body in the soil.

And so I became the girl who treats heart carelessly despite how fragile it could break with my action and words. I became the girl who dismiss people who took interest of me more than the safe line I asked them to follow. I close the opportunity for a feeling to bloom as if it is taboo for them to cross the wall and reach for my heart.

I wasn't always that kind of girl tho.

I used to be the girl who granted second chances for the mistake toxic people never willing to apologies for. I used to be the girl who believes in each "I'm sorry" not realizing it's a green card for them to hurt me again. I used to be the girl who bared her soul to the world without any walls around her just so she won't feel lonely despite hurting. I used to be that naive girl who put her heart on her sleeves for an "almost". I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and a narrator would say "she then lives happily ever after."

I guess the naive girl had enough and so she killed her old self only to be reborn without a heart.

It might not be what I want — but I know myself enough to realize that I need this phase to heal from my demons. To throw away the key for the Pandora box so no one would be able to open it just to toss it away. The wall that I built as a defend mechanism eventually became too thick for anyone to penetrate and so I became the girl who leaves before I'm left.


Update on 26-July-2019 : 

The girl who slays my demons told me out of genuine concern "You did well protecting yourself to heal. Isn't it time to let these walls down tho?"