Do you know how can i tell when you are sad?

"Do you know how can i tell when you are sad?"

It is devastating how you really thought you got the sadness swept under the rug 

but from the eye of the person who loves you — it shows.

You joke more than usual so the people around you will laugh loud enough to cover your silence and you smile constantly especially when someone look you straight in the eyes as if the director in your head keep on reminding you of your queue to do so. The giggle and glow in your chuckle would be camouflage with one tone laugh.

My dear your laugh sounds like home and it warms out the stress out of people around you and I had always been amazed on how contiguous your chuckle is. It is the kind of laugh that make your eyes squeezed shut and you will eventually be out of breath. 

but when you are sad, your laugh would washed out faster than it usually last.

The truth lays in your eyes when it stays open and not a trace of humor were in it. If one cares to listen carefully — your laugh sounds a lot like a cry for help when you're sad.

On the days that you are sad — you tend to ask people twice for each "i'm fine" they replied and that stare you gave them when you silently remind them you would be there if they need someone. This habit of yours came from that deep sadness you brushed off and most people believe you are strong enough not to lie about being okay.

You would make sure to feed the people around that seem like having a bad day with little sweet stuff like candies since you know eating something heavy would makes you throw up right after you shove foods down your throat. Being a girl it would be believable for people to accept when you gave diet as an excuse not to eat.

 

The dark circles under your eyes and the hollowness inside it are solid proof that your body couldn't disguise your sadness even with layers of concealer.

Baby did you wait until the sun comes up to keep the nightmares away again?

If one listens careful enough — they will hear the occasional deep sigh you took that sound as sorrow as your cry.

You're a social butterfly who make everyone around you think they are so close to you and there you are — floating soul looking from the outside — separated with a thin invisible wall that plays as your defense.

That my dear, is how I can tell when you are sad. Surprise — are you not? To know someone cares enough to be able to observe your defense mechanism that you put on each time you're sad.

And so she became the girl who leaves

"You get bored easily",

That's what they said.

To them — I moved on as easy as choosing the dress to wear the next day. I hang up without bothering to wait for the person on the other line to say goodbye. I hit them with "you crossed my mind" text and stopped replying for 3-5 business days.

To them — I treat guys like they are flavor of the week.

To them — I am the girl who leaves.

It's funny how they never take a moment to give it a thought that perhaps  — I was the girl who stayed.

I was the girl who stayed through rocky path, swallowed the lies people forced me to believe and constantly check my phone for the text that never came. I was the girl who stayed when she had every reason to walk away.

The day I decided to become the girl who leaves — was a bit blurry due to the tears and sleepless nights. Nevertheless the extreme pain that I felt that day was the closest thing I ever felt to being human. Ever since then — a huge apart of me died before someone even get the chance to bury my body in the soil.

And so I became the girl who treats heart carelessly despite how fragile it could break with my action and words. I became the girl who dismiss people who took interest of me more than the safe line I asked them to follow. I close the opportunity for a feeling to bloom as if it is taboo for them to cross the wall and reach for my heart.

I wasn't always that kind of girl tho.

I used to be the girl who granted second chances for the mistake toxic people never willing to apologies for. I used to be the girl who believes in each "I'm sorry" not realizing it's a green card for them to hurt me again. I used to be the girl who bared her soul to the world without any walls around her just so she won't feel lonely despite hurting. I used to be that naive girl who put her heart on her sleeves for an "almost". I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and a narrator would say "she then lives happily ever after."

I guess the naive girl had enough and so she killed her old self only to be reborn without a heart.

It might not be what I want — but I know myself enough to realize that I need this phase to heal from my demons. To throw away the key for the Pandora box so no one would be able to open it just to toss it away. The wall that I built as a defend mechanism eventually became too thick for anyone to penetrate and so I became the girl who leaves before I'm left.


Update on 26-July-2019 : 

The girl who slays my demons told me out of genuine concern "You did well protecting yourself to heal. Isn't it time to let these walls down tho?"