Snap out of you trance

 

 

Snap out of you trance, and be more attentive to the nights that she needs you more than she lead you to believe. Send that morning text to remind her she's the first in your mind when you're still dazed and confused waking up from seeing her in your dream and that good night reminder that at the end of the day her name still cross your subconscious.

Let her head knows how much you love her. Often she forgot that you do, despite deep in her heart she knows that you've mentioned it a bundle of times with your action.

She doesn't come with a price tag but there are certain costs you need to pay to keep her happy which involves your time, attention and even vulnerability. Bare your demons to her and if she is the right girl — she would be able to calm your demons down rather than run away out of fear.

You chose her for a reason and don't let it slip your mind that the same reason might be the motivation for another guy to snatch her away from you.

 

No ending to begin again.

 Anxiety fills my lung when I even as much as think about — "begin again"

I always set no relationship expectation with the guys that I'm talking to and in fact I made it clear to them that being someone's scared me enough to actually ghost on them.

To have no label with someone will make my self free from being owned. There will be no rules and law about being "the girl that he talks to — even when he wants more". As free as it sounds, loneliness tend to creep in at night especially on the days that you need human connection the most.

Perhaps the fact that there could be no sin to be applied to a bond with no label. Going for dinner with another person would not be considered as cheating and there would never be an ending since there was no beginning.

The innocent butterflies in your tummy when they walk over and the small little things would always be appreciate as the effort was poured even without a valid label for one of them to do so.

But what happens when love comes in the story?

Such a beautiful word comes with heavy consequences.

and so my immature fucked up mind tend to fall for someone that I know beforehand won't love me back. That tricks works wonder and let me survived my teenage years without being serious in a relationship that won't last anyway.

I forgot how it feels to be so in love with a soul that you became greedy with their time and attention to the point of obsession.

But do i want to put myself through that again?

selfishly blinded to be distracted from him.

There will be a soul that you will always devote your love to — even after the feeling has long gone.

Take your mind off that name who pops up in your head the moment you read above line.

You will start to be conscious of all the loves that you had been unconsciously blocked from absorbing.

Stare at your parent's features a little longer. Stare until you doubt yourself if the number of grey hairs  on your mother hair increased — and if it is another wrinkle on your father's forehead.

They are growing older too, don't they? 

When you stop gazing at your screen hoping he would reply to the twenty text messages you had sent prior — just in case he missed the call while showering. You would start noticing the unread text received from your old friends who spare a minute in their busy schedule just to check up on you.

You would only need to send 'hey' and you'll get a reply within seconds from the people who waits for your call.

When his name naturally feels bitter rolling off your tongue and you stopped mentioning the memories — you would realize there are plenty of tea ready to be spilled in your empty cups as your world didn't stop spinning when he left after all.

You will be able to appreciate the glow of the moon without remembering how he once promised to love you from earth to the moon and back.

You will be able to dance under the rain without having tears rolling down your cheek — as the memory of him walking away on that one rainy day, burns your lung.

Breath baby — inhale the love and exhale the pain.


Take a second to remember when was the last time you heard your best friend laughed?
Is everything okay at home?

Were the bruises really come from falling the stairs?

Notice how she tends to wear long sleeves to hide her arms and calls it fashion instead.

That nice guy who you had been stringing along knowing he adores you like a goddess.

Notice how he got rid of his habit of putting his phone on silent at night — just in case you need someone to talk to and his name cross your mind.

Notice how often he asked about your day and if you are feeling alright — notice the genuine care in his voice.

Maybe deep inside you are aware of all of this but you are selfishly blinded to be distracted from him.

entangled path, expiration date.

Every soul you met had entangled their fate with another soul before you exist in their path. The person that will marry you, probably had plans and put lots of efforts to give a ring to another woman prior to stumbled upon you.

It is one of the hardest thing to accept the fact that some other girl out there had heard the words and action said and done to you by him.

but one fact remains and that is no one is almighty enough to revisit the past hence it stays in memories. You are in his future and that should be more than enough reason for you to give him the best of you.

How different would we treat people if they come with expiration date? 

would the dateline make we savor every minute of being with that person?

To fear the aftermath — is what makes me human.

 

"choose, or loose both" they said.

For all they care, it was about me being greedy for wanting the benefit of both options. Little did they failed to dig deeper, is the terrifying consequence I had to face upon choosing.

What a privilege it is to have freedom to choose. That only goes for those who are not afraid to voice out their decision and bare the outcome.

To fear the aftermath — is what makes me human.

There will be a phase right after a tornado break-up, you will feel the peace in being single and the universe having sick sense oh humor and all will cross your path with a kind soul whom would love you for the rest of their life — only that you don't allow him to.

At some point of your life the karma would then ask cupid to entangle your love to the one who can't love you back — for punishment of not giving the chance, to the one who does.

The guy that I left when I was 18 had it enough of me — running away and so he tricked me with clarifying what I want rather than making me choose.

It ended up becoming my habit. I clarify so I don't have to choose.

I remember he crooked his eyebrows out of pain and there's a slight vibration in his tone to control the fear of giving me the ultimatum.

"Flip the coin. If it's head — give me a chance to cross the friendship line and if it's tail — I'll walk away."

For a split second when the coin was in the air and I was too focus on hoping what the outcome would be to listen to my inner voices — I realized I got my answer.

His lack of existence was not enough for me to release my other options that wanted to stay regardless knowing they are only one of my choices.

It was immature and rude of me to have that crossed my mind but I was young, barely healing and it's a big step for me to actually know what I want even if it kills another soul.

  

transition from happy to sad

Have you ever wake up, live your life and breath like it's just another Tuesday. You thought today is the day that you can finally breath without having to remind your brain like it's a chore. It's one of those days that feels like you're in a trance — neither in a good nor bad way

until you heard those statements that stopped your breath — and you tried so hard to inhale the bile that came up to your throat to keep the tears away.

It sucks, doesn't it?

When a line of words can stop your laughter, rain on your moment of warmth — and people wonder why you tend to be cold most of the times.

If you take a second to observe, you will notice how all of your senses would be numb for a solid 10 seconds to transit the happy emotions and turn it to sad.

The emptiness that follows a few seconds after.

you can hear the whisper of others to express sympathy but it quickly replaced by the inner voices instead.

It makes you question if the universe secretly hates you for spilling hints that you're supposed to be sad right when you're actually okay.

There come a phase where the tears won't follow the emptiness and it stays/

an intense feeling that was not enough to call love

 

The broken heart-ed girls that I came to know will always try their hardest to forget the one that got away. As hard as it sounds, they will camouflage the scars of promises that never get the chance to come true.


Not me tho.

I mean, why would I forget my first boyfriend who brings nothing but joy and introduced me to mixed feelings called love.

In all honesty I doubt it could be called love for I was barely 14 years old back then. Despite that, our feelings were strong enough to make the whole school went chaos especially the teacher's lounge.

 

I never felt the need to forget this lovely boy who started off as my brother's best friend. His existence is well known throughout the whole school especially among the junior girls. The captain of sports team and the head of prefect who broke the rule just for me — the invisible sister of his best friend who is a few years younger than him.

The boy whom I would proudly tell my future daughter how much he studied day and night to get a good result for proving the whole school wrong about me dragging him down.

And if we ever stumble upon each other twenty years from now sending off our kids to preschool — I could invite him for a coffee to catch up and let him know I'm proud of his achievements throughout our conversation.

The boy who promised to name his daughter after me if we don't work out (which we didn't)

and the boy who left without hurting me even an ounce.

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I could vividly imagine this one scene in my mind

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Where one day I got married to a charming soul and we gonna exchange stories of the failed feelings that was so intense — we ended up mistook it for love. The journey of discovering love in the amidst of adulting.

With a laugh I would whisper to him "I will not appreciate your soul as much now, if I never learn what the wrong loves were — and for that I am forever grateful for the mistakes."

That is the type of conversation you could have with your soulmate, without worrying it would scar your future,





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And when it is time for me to teach my kids what love is I would skip the hurtful in between and only mention the first kind love that I received only to apply that to my last love — which I genuinely hope with all my heart, it would be their father.

I would tell my little angels —  there are certain feelings that are so intense you would mistook it for love, and there will be people that are able to transmit extreme pain to your heart that makes you question if the only way it could have hurt this much is because the amount of love is too great.

Dear God I swear I would make bed time stories out of my love lesson so they will never confuse love with those toxic mindset as I did whilst growing up.

Even the feeling back when I was 14 years old was not enough to call love —  It was by far the purest feeling I had for a boy and the realest love that I had ever received from a sixteen years old boy.

end.


update on 11-July-2019 : I found out that he's married, to the next girl he found right after I left.