transition from happy to sad

Have you ever wake up, live your life and breath like it's just another Tuesday. You thought today is the day that you can finally breath without having to remind your brain like it's a chore. It's one of those days that feels like you're in a trance — neither in a good nor bad way

until you heard those statements that stopped your breath — and you tried so hard to inhale the bile that came up to your throat to keep the tears away.

It sucks, doesn't it?

When a line of words can stop your laughter, rain on your moment of warmth — and people wonder why you tend to be cold most of the times.

If you take a second to observe, you will notice how all of your senses would be numb for a solid 10 seconds to transit the happy emotions and turn it to sad.

The emptiness that follows a few seconds after.

you can hear the whisper of others to express sympathy but it quickly replaced by the inner voices instead.

It makes you question if the universe secretly hates you for spilling hints that you're supposed to be sad right when you're actually okay.

There come a phase where the tears won't follow the emptiness and it stays/

an intense feeling that was not enough to call love

 

The broken heart-ed girls that I came to know will always try their hardest to forget the one that got away. As hard as it sounds, they will camouflage the scars of promises that never get the chance to come true.


Not me tho.

I mean, why would I forget my first boyfriend who brings nothing but joy and introduced me to mixed feelings called love.

In all honesty I doubt it could be called love for I was barely 14 years old back then. Despite that, our feelings were strong enough to make the whole school went chaos especially the teacher's lounge.

 

I never felt the need to forget this lovely boy who started off as my brother's best friend. His existence is well known throughout the whole school especially among the junior girls. The captain of sports team and the head of prefect who broke the rule just for me — the invisible sister of his best friend who is a few years younger than him.

The boy whom I would proudly tell my future daughter how much he studied day and night to get a good result for proving the whole school wrong about me dragging him down.

And if we ever stumble upon each other twenty years from now sending off our kids to preschool — I could invite him for a coffee to catch up and let him know I'm proud of his achievements throughout our conversation.

The boy who promised to name his daughter after me if we don't work out (which we didn't)

and the boy who left without hurting me even an ounce.

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I could vividly imagine this one scene in my mind

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Where one day I got married to a charming soul and we gonna exchange stories of the failed feelings that was so intense — we ended up mistook it for love. The journey of discovering love in the amidst of adulting.

With a laugh I would whisper to him "I will not appreciate your soul as much now, if I never learn what the wrong loves were — and for that I am forever grateful for the mistakes."

That is the type of conversation you could have with your soulmate, without worrying it would scar your future,





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And when it is time for me to teach my kids what love is I would skip the hurtful in between and only mention the first kind love that I received only to apply that to my last love — which I genuinely hope with all my heart, it would be their father.

I would tell my little angels —  there are certain feelings that are so intense you would mistook it for love, and there will be people that are able to transmit extreme pain to your heart that makes you question if the only way it could have hurt this much is because the amount of love is too great.

Dear God I swear I would make bed time stories out of my love lesson so they will never confuse love with those toxic mindset as I did whilst growing up.

Even the feeling back when I was 14 years old was not enough to call love —  It was by far the purest feeling I had for a boy and the realest love that I had ever received from a sixteen years old boy.

end.


update on 11-July-2019 : I found out that he's married, to the next girl he found right after I left.

will you be my penguin?

 

I remember the blazing sun from Langkawi Island a few months ago when I went for a little family trip.

The underwater world was calming, and put me in a trance — a good kind. that's when I met a tribe of penguin. I kept on gazing at the penguins for some reason as the smallest of all swam and hug their mothers. Not knowing the world that they are living in — is actually a human created prison.

The tour guide tapped on my shoulder and took me back to reality with this one sentence :

"Penguin can identify their soulmates, and they will stay loyal to their true love until their last breath — even being far apart because that is the only love that they know and found during their short span of life."

 

"and that is why their loyalty is the saddest thing in the word for they will not find another even if their soulmate died"


I remember being so innocent in love that I thought to myself :

"How lucky are penguins. I hope I'll find someone someday who might find me in the sea of humans and will love me alone, despite having 7 copycats in the world"

What I failed to realize back then was, how misfortune the one who got left behind with lifelong loyalty for the only love they came to know.